Your Smiles Make Me Smile

If you really want to get the most out of my blog, it's best to start with the first post written in July to the present since some blogs refer back to earlier posts; but any order is just fine... Thanks for visiting! Now scroll on down to the good news! ~Renae~

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


They said it would happen. They said like clockwork, between Day 12 and 14 after my first round of chemo.  "They" being the support I find on  "They" being the women that have gone before me, that have survived, that have died, that have fought this battle with a brave vengeance and a heroic attitude.  "They" are my heroes.  Most of them do not have textbook knowledge, but real world experience, and so I trust them.

Secretly, I thought maybe "they" were wrong.  I thought just maybe, I could hang on to the hair.  "No" they said. "Not with the AC treatments you are taking."  The ounce of arrogance that had not yet been stripped away by needles and bruises, scalpels and unsightly hospital gowns, cocktails of poisons, nausea and headaches was hanging on for dear life.  But this morning, there is no more arrogance.  No room for anything but humility and compassion for myself, which took me years to learn.  I am still me.  I am still me.

Every day I counted down...."Eleven days to go, I still have my hair!  Ten days to go! Nine days left!" Yesterday was Day 12.  I still had my hair, although in my dreams, my eyelashes and eyebrows had fallen out, and I woke up, heart pounding and devastated. Embarrassed. Naked.  But yesterday was different. I was cocky.  Day 12 and nothing.  No hair loss.  "Look at me! Look at me! I might beat the odds!" As my wigs sit waiting patiently, beautifully really, on my dresser, side by side with pretty hats and sassy scarves, begging to be worn.  But no, I am Wonder Woman! My superpowers prevail.

And yet, today, Day 13...just before writing this, a clump of hair falls onto the keyboard. I think it's a fluke. I think it can't be.  I rub my hand through my hair, "One or two or even three or four don't count." But I get ten or twelve, and another, and another.

The women who have gone before me knew the truth all along.  I wonder if they too fell in denial prior to their moment of truth; but I am no longer in denial.  My time has come.  And I will strut into Supercuts and I will hold my head high, and my favorite compassionate hair stylist will tell me it's okay.  She'll tell me I'm beautiful.  She'll shave it off and show me in the mirror how pretty I still look.  And because I want to believe her, I will.  And I will strut out with my dignity intact because, I am still me.  I am STILL me.  And Thank God for that.

Sweet Dreams And Always GOOD Dreams,


Rose said...

You are an inspiration to everyone! : ) Loved it! Love you! Rose Mlakar

renaedarlene said...

Thank you Rose. Your messages, your comments, your love, always bring me sunshine. :)