BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

"I dedicate this post to my new friend Jenn, because she trusts a stranger to hold hands with on an unwelcome journey, and because she loves Madonna and life's frivolities, just as much as I do." ~Renae~

I cough into my pillow at night to muffle the unGodly hacking sounds, and so the cold air doesn't pierce my lungs with every inward breath.  I try to focus on my breathing alone, that I am still breathing. Somehow, I find comfort in that.

Ten pounds down since my diagnosis and forcing myself to eat because my appetite hasn't been the same.  I'm the girl that other women want to hate, unless they knew what was really going on.  I know this, I'm a girl. I've secretly thought during healthy times "Ooohhh maybe if I got sick I'd lose some weight."  We are just brainwashed. It's a horrible thought, but we think it anyway.  And now I am sick, and now I have lost weight, and being thin is overrated.  I am miserable. I would give anything to have my health and a few extra pounds; the energy to make myself exercise so I could lose that "excess" weight.  It is so true that every time you get something, you have to give something else up.  Of course, my friends are too busy wishing they could drop ten pounds to notice that my face looks gaunt, the wrinkles are more apparent, my eyes have lost their shine unless I am teared up; or maybe they are just too kind to say anything. But I hear my mother's worried voice  in my head saying "Oh honey, you look so gaunt, and I can see it in your eyes that you are sick."  I wish she was here to make me tea and see past the skinny jeans to know how I really feel.  My health has taken it's toll and she is the only person to really notice.

I want my life back. I want to make plans with the blissful ignorance of forgetting to weigh illness into the plan equation. I mean seriously? I didn't even plan for the possibility of getting sick just before getting sick so I could get well.  Are you confused yet? Think about it.  I was supposed to start chemo. on Wednesday, which would make me sick.  But I would get sick from chemo, so I could optimize my chances of being well. Then I got sick which meant I couldn't begin my treatments. I didn't calculate getting bronchitis, or any other illness into the treatment plan. That is what I call blissful ignorance.

So how is it that we mortals, susceptible to a zillion different germs daily, forget to calculate illness into our plans? Like, I wonder if women who give birth to those 14 pound babies ever think about the pain the next time they have sex or go into that "Oh honey, let's have another baby" mode.  The female dinosaurs must have been so much smarter than us.  In fact, I bet after childbirth they told their mates "Oh hell no, find yourself a virgin, I'm not getting pregnant again!" Hence the extinction of dinosaurs. Smart women they were.

So I'm wondering while I'm laying in my bed coughing now for seven straight days, missing work, frustrated, bored, and restless...did I really think I could go through the stress of breast cancer and not get sick?  I was ready to take on chemo last Wednesday like a champ.  I even cleaned my toilet so it would be puke worthy. In fact, I cleaned the whole bathroom just because under the circumstances I may be spending more time in there than I anticipate.  I was ready, like a boxer jumping up and down with my boxing gloves on, adrenaline flowing, ready to go into the ring; ready to kick any living cancer cells from here to hell and then.....BAM! The sore throat came.

The great thing is, I'm sitting here in bed, looking out the window with Richard's cat, listening to the birds of spring chirp, watching the greenest of weeds in the back yard take hold and a few butterflies flutter by my window.  I'm thinking about the day I will have the energy to take care of the weeds, and paint that back fence before the heat of the summer sun takes its toll.  I don't plan on being sick when I make my plans, I only imagine the satisfaction of finished projects.  In fact, I wonder if this chapter will one day be a memory that only occasionally pops its head out to remind me of how lucky I am to have my health and then, I'll smile and go back to sweating while I pull weeds and paint the fence, while I'm making other plans.

Blissful ignorance.  How I long for that day.

Sweet Dreams and Always GOOD Dreams
~Renae~