November 7, 2011. This day will be forever etched in my memory as a defining day in my life; a day when the reality of the richness of my moments have become clearer to me than ever before. A day when the leaves look greener and the sun seems brighter and I want to breathe in deep the freshness of the autumn air. I want to breathe it in so deep that it burns my lungs, and then let it out slowly with relief, because life has more greatness than we can ever begin to realize, until we are forced to take a closer look.
In my last post I shared with you that I have a breast tumor. Today I learned that my breast tumor (aka “Lil Bastard”) is malignant. Because I don’t like to give anything more power than it deserves, I am not going to tippy-toe around this, this thing that invades the life of too many innocent bystanders and all those who love them. Today I was told that I have breast cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. There, I said it.
Lil Bastard, you are no longer a secret and you have no power over me. Only secrets and bullies have power, and you have none. You are nothing more than a sneaky little snake in the grass parasite that should hang your head in shame. I am coming after you and I have a bad ass posse of friends and family ready to take you on....all I have to do, is say the word.
So there ya have it. I promise not to bore you with facts and figures, research and statistics....yawn, that makes me sleepy already, but I will keep you posted. All I ask of you is patience. Forgive me in advance if I make inappropriate jokes, or occasionally blurt out the F word, or act odd, or don’t return phone calls. Grief and fear do strange things to the most normal of people, which I am not to begin with…so I ask for tolerance and patience in advance of my long journey and possible freak outs ahead; and it will be not be easy, so I hear.
Most of all, I need you all now more than ever. I am one dang lucky girl to be loved so well by friends that practically knew me when I popped my head out of the womb and said “Rock On World!” And family, who had no choice but to claim me as part of their gene pool, but chose to love me anyway. Dang I’m lucky. I am also blessed because I was gifted with this sense of finding the good in even the worst of situations. Like, God I’m going to be sexy in an auburn bob if I have to go through chemo. I’ve promised Richard black go-go boots and a show if I lose my hair. But more than that, way above and beyond the humor, is how much love I have for all of you…genuine raw love for my friends and my family. Every single one of you has a special place in my heart and I can tell a million and one stories about our great times together and the many more we will have if only on Facebook or our occasional visits. There will be many, many more to come.
So, the good news is, being an extrovert and all, I’ve chosen not to be secretive about this journey. In fact, I am begging you to all take it with me, as best as you can; and if you can't, I understand, this isn't everybody's cup of tea. I just don’t want to walk this path alone. I don't know how to do it without you, and I may never admit this again, but I'm scared. And so, to quote Linda Ellerbee, a Breast Cancer Survivor, “I knew from the beginning that I would need to wrap my friends and family around me like an old quilt to get through this…”. You are my quilt and my comfort. I know you will be holding me up when I am falling down.
Sweet Dreams and Always GOOD Dreams,
~Renae~
